We Give Our Children Two Things; One Is Roots, The Other Is Wings

Life all is about remembering where you came from while you are flying to your dreams. M. Partyka



The following poem by Dennis Waitley is one of my favorites:

If I had two wishes, I know what they would be

I'd wish for Roots to cling to, and Wings to set me free;
 

Roots of inner values, like rings within a tree;

and Wings of independence to seek my destiny.
 

Roots to hold forever to keep me safe and strong,

To let me know you love me, when I've done something wrong;
 

To show me by example, and helps me learn to choose,

To take those actions every day to win instead of lose.
 

Just be there when I need you, to tell me it's all right,

To face my fear of falling when I test my wings in  flight;
 

Don't make my life too easy, it's better if I try,

And fail and get back up myself, so I can learn to fly.
 

If I had two wishes, and two were all I had,

And they could just be granted, by my Mom and Dad;
 

I wouldn't ask for money or any store-bought things.

The greatest gifts I'd ask for are simply Roots and Wings.

By Denis Waitley

When my first daughter was born, I received this framed poem as a gift. I remember thinking, yes! This is exactly the way I want to raise my children. I must admit, it was so much simpler while I was working on giving my girls roots. Roots were easy. Roots were fun to establish. After all, roots are those things embedded in tradition, a sense of belonging, and knowing that you are loved, not matter what you say or do. Now, don't get me wrong. There were many challenging days as my girls grew to be the independent young ladies that I set out to help them become. Lots of head butting as three strong minded females all lived under the same roof. Roots have been the glue that has held our family steadfast through the good, the not so good, and the extremely difficult situations that we have faced over the years. Roots were what got us through losing a family business, having to return the home we lived in, for about fifteen years, to the bank that held it as collateral for our failed business, and having to return the home my in laws purchased for us to live in until the day they died, when it would have become our inheritance, except that family greed got in the way. Our roots are so strong and hold us so firmly together, we are positive that we, as a family, can weather any storm.

Roots were so easy to establish. My husband and I planted them together on the day we married. A few months later, our roots took off and grew another runner when our first daughter was born. A few years later, another shoot grew on our taproot, and our second daughter was born. From the moment that these girls breathed their first breath, we devoted our entire selves to to their every waking moment. We established traditions centered around God, family, vacations, outings, mealtime, bedtime, playtime, you name it, we built an entire future centered around the roots we were tending so carefully. In fact, our traditions were so deeply established that my daughters, now aged 29 and 26, still want to know what we will be doing as a family at summer vacation time. So yes, roots, while they needed constant tending, nurturing, and care, were easy.

Wings on the other hand were tough to swallow. Wings sort of creep up on you, and take you by surprise when you aren't paying close enough attention to the signals. The first sign of wings are expected and celebrated for the major milestones in your kids' lives. These are called the "Firsts". First time your baby sees (holy cow, we spent a whole evening at my uncle's house moving my first daughter around his kitchen, just to watch her eyes follow the moving objects), the first time your baby rolls over, takes a step, says Mama/Dada, eats with a spoon, goes potty, and on and on until that first time you drop your "baby" off at nursery school/kindergarten. Of course this is an exciting wing time, and your child is running in laughing, or tugging at your arm as you leave with tears in their eyes. (This is probably the only time your children will embark on a first with tears in their eyes.) After you drop them off, you kind of sit in the car and think, "Whoa, where did all the time go so quickly?"

Wings, like roots, if cared for properly grow very quickly. Before you know it, your kids are asking to sleep at friends' houses, go to concerts (that they swear are safe, and drug free), and venture out on vacations with other families or organizations. One summer, my youngest daughter, who we affectionately referred to as "The Traveler", was on vacation with four different good friends in one summer, and this was in addition to the week we spent on vacation as a family. The only time that my youngest daughter was ever hesitant to go anywhere was the time she signed up for an Outward Bound Program. She would not have a good friend by her side. She would not be with her mom, dad, or older sister. My thirteen year old daughter was about to venture off on her own for two solid weeks. There would be no communication with us or anyone but the members of her Outward Bound Team. Remember how I said that the only time Wings will create tears would be their first day of school? Well, for my youngest daughter this was not quite true. The night before we would drive her to Boston to meet up with the Outward Bound group, She came to my room and was sobbing. She was afraid to go this alone. I reminded her of all the odd jobs she had done to pay for this adventure, and the money she paid to participate. I think my exact words were, "If you think you are crying now, imagine how you will be crying when you realize that you just wasted $1500.00 of your hard earned money." BINGO! That hit a nerve. She dried her tears, mumbled something about waking her up, and went to bed. Two weeks later, when we arrived to pick her up, I could not find her in the crowd of kids disembarking from the boat. I asked my husband if he saw her. He told me that she had just walked past me. I turned in disbelief, and sure enough, there she was in the center of all the kids that participated. Two of the boys were carrying all of her "stuff", and she, as dark as I have ever seen her, with corn row braids, had just walked right by where I was standing. I went over to her, and with a big smile, she gave me a very smelly hug. (You are not allowed to use deodorant due to the bugs, and she hadn't bathed in over a week, except in the ocean.) Not only did she have the time of her life, but she earned the title of Lead Oar Person, and was voted by her teammates for about 75% of the badges for leadership and survival qualities.

So, why do I tell this story? I tell it because a huge part of me wanted to hug her that night that she came sobbing to me, tell her OK, you don't have to go, and I will call and cancel your trip in the morning. This however, would not have helped her to grow good, strong Wings;  Wings that she would need to rely on as she grew older, and started leaving the security of the nest where her roots were planted. Giving in to her limited view of what this trip could be like for her would have only set her up for giving up on future commitments.

The next time that my youngest daughter was ready to spread her Wings was her freshman year of college. She enrolled in a small college in New Hampshire, about a two hour ride from home. Now it was my turn to shed a tear or two. After moving her in to what would become her home away from home for the next three years, I vividly remember thinking as my husband, my older daughter, and I drove away, and we were watching her standing there waving, that she wasn't ever coming home again; not to live there. Of course she would visit, and spend holidays with us, but deep in my heart I knew my "Traveler" would want to spread her wings as far and as wide as possible. And that is exactly what she has done. By her junior year she introduced us to her new boyfriend, who we now introduce as her husband. Later that year, she began talking about completing her senior year of college online. THERE IT WAS, the signal that I missed. She, of course had been complaining about how hard it was to live in the apartment with six other girls, hold down a thirty hour work week, and do well in school. Naively, I thought, of course she wants to come home where it will be easier to succeed. WRONG again! What she was really preparing me for was the fact that she and her new fiance would be moving to Michigan, where he would pursue a hockey coaching career. MICHIGAN!? MICHIGAN????!!!!!! Why that was almost an eighteen hour drive from here. These Wings were growing too big too fast! True to our parenting style, on a very stormy and rainy day, we loaded up her somewhat unreliable Hyundai Santa Fe, (and by loaded up, I mean no space left empty, including the mattress wrapped in plastic and strapped to the roof), and drove our little runner of a root to Adrian, Michigan.

We arrived at the place that she secured online. It was a small apartment complex across from a secluded park. When we got to the door, I happened to notice three huge axe marks in the door. This was extremely unsettling. My little root runner chose to ignore this and her solution was to purchase a cute welcome wreath and hang it over the hatchet marks. We spent the rest of that day making her 50 square foot apartment look like a million bucks. (I am not exaggerating the 50 square foot thing) We parted at the airport, and I was a bit like Sandra Bullock in Blind Side, as I knew if I said good bye I would sob like a baby, so I simply turned and waked into the airport. Over time we got used to driving to Michigan for a four day weekend, or spending large amounts of cash to fly there. Eventually we found her a cute duplex, where she and her fiance lived right next door to the other hockey coach. I was finally coming to terms with this whole Wing thing.

One day, my little root runner/traveler, called us to inform us that her fiance was taking a new coaching job. She was so excited, and quite frankly I thought this would be a great opportunity to move closer to home. I didn't even get to verbalize my thought yet, and she was already telling us about how great it will be to move to Wisconsin. WISCONSIN?!? Did I hear correctly? I may not be a geography wizard but I am learned enough to know that Wisconsin is even farther away than Michigan. Again, we flew out to her place in Michigan where her father and I helped her pack up her apartment, load up a U-Haul (she had accumulated some larger pieces of furniture and more "stuff"), and we drove her unreliable Hyundai Santa Fe, the U Haul, and her new dog to Appleton, Wisconsin. We stopped at a hotel about 45 minutes from Appleton because it was too late to continue. In the morning, she and her fiance drove ahead to check out the apartment she had secured, you guessed it, online. About an hour after she left, all smiles and eager to fly to a new place, I got a call. At first, from the sound of her voice, I thought someone was murdering her. Once I got her to calm down, I was able to understand bits and pieces of the story. It went something like this: "Lots of kids running all

over the first floor (she isn't in any hurry to have lots of those,hers or anyone else's), small,  dirty, raccoons in cages in the basement, squirrels, I can't live here." Biting my "I told you so" tongue, I called my husband to come in from walking our grand dog, and we threw our stuff in the back of the U Haul and sped to find my daughter and her fiance sitting in her car each looking out opposite windows. Not a good sign. To make a long story short, we got her deposit back, called the other hockey coach, he helped us find other places, got more money wired from the root we left planted at home (my older daughter), and found her a cute little four room duplex with a pool and activity room right near the college that my future son-in-law had taken a coaching job.

Shortly after tucking her away in Appleton, Wisconsin, where by chance her friends from Michigan moved to, as well, we got another call. This call came from her fiance's mom. She was inviting us to a picnic at their lake house in New Hampshire. We were going to celebrate our two little roots planting some roots of their own. While we were at the camp, my son in law, to my daughter's great surprise, got down on one knee, and through the giggles of my daughter, he asked her to be his bride, and we think she giggled yessss! We had a wonderful wedding service in the foyer of our Victorian home, with a reception at a local Victorian Carriage House at the park where Dr. Seuss played as a child. We were happy that she had found someone who loved her, and she him.

A year or so later, another call, and this time it was to tell me that they were going to plant their Roots back in Massachusetts, where they are still growing Roots and spreading their Wings.  There is no talk of any little runners yet, but like I always say, give it time, and timing is everything.  

Life is all about remembering where you came from while you are flying to your dreams.